Mindfulness
Raising awareness of Brain Injury for Headway. https://www.headway.org.uk
This blog may read as if it’s a long, sorry story of me getting things wrong but that’s only because it’s true. The whole point is that I could have avoided getting all of this wrong if I had received the correct brain injury care when I was discharged from hospital. If you’ve joined the blog part-way through then you can read the full story starting with the preface.
I’m afraid that this will be the last part of the story for now because over the previous ten parts the story has covered the accident that caused the brain injury in 2013, then the subsequent chaotic attempt at life until finding Headway in late 2014, followed by my improvement through 2015 until now; September 2015 where I consider myself to be almost fully functioning but a different person.
I’m told that I’m a pretty smart guy and I learn very quickly. Some of the results of the cognitive tests I underwent indicated that although I began below par on a particular test I quickly developed an efficient strategy.
The area that I have the greatest difficulty with is fatigue which is nothing like simply getting tired towards the end of the day, rather it’s mental fatigue caused by processing too much information and can be triggered at varying times of the day depending on what I’ve been doing. When I say ‘doing’ I actually mean what my brain has been working hard at doing. As I’ve mentioned earlier in the blog, I’m not so good in situations where there’s lots of information to process in a short space of time.
This manifests itself typically in the situation where there’s a large group of friends in a social situation. I can cope just fine for the most of it but eventually people’s names and what I’m supposed to remember about them, what’s going on in their lives and when we last spoke starts to become harder and harder to remember. So imagine that a friend you’ve known for the last few years suddenly loses his name and I have to ask what it is. Then there’s his new partner. Do you see what I mean? I knew his name two hours ago but now it’s gone.
I’m now at the stage where I am able to identify when this is happening and I’m starting to struggle. A great example was just this weekend when I met with a group of friends at Warwick Castle. It was a Jaguar Cars meeting so there were lots of exciting shiny things to look at, many friends and their partners to talk to and have a laugh with and then the thing that I think was the final straw for my brain that day. I seem to be repeatedly apologising to the same people for forgetting their names.
At around two in the afternoon there was a fly past, well several passes actually, by a Spitfire from the BBMF (Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight) which, even though I’ve seen this happen several times over the years, seems to always trigger some latent emotion so I have to conveniently be facing away from everybody because the sound from this aircraft just makes me well up. Shortly after this I made my excuses and had to head home because I was mentally exhausted.
I can’t explain it at all but I’ve settled on that it could be something to do with my grandfather who was in the RAF in a Lancaster during WWII. I’m not the only one though; I’ve mentioned this effect to a few friends and more than one of them has almost admitted the sound does something similar to them too.
So this weekend may have been a bit of an emotional overload on top of a brain already working overtime, but during a normal week I will manage by pacing myself. I pace the amount of information I have to deal with so that it’s not all flooding in at once and I’ve found that this works well. It’s energy management which is something a person without a BI hardly ever has to put conscious effort into, it just comes naturally, but I have to be aware of it and actively manage it.
Thinking about what you are thinking and thinking about how to compensate for how your brain has changed is additional brain activity and effort in itself. This is why BI sufferers brains are actually working at above full capacity all of the time. We have to work harder at everything so it’s no wonder that fatigue is a factor for us.
A reasonable person would assume that having so many things to deal with, so much change, so much inability suddenly thrust upon you (only compared to what I was used to pre -injury) and all of the personality changes could be a fairly stressful experience.
Well yes it is, or was. It was stressful without even realising it was stressful because I didn’t even know I had a brain injury for more than eighteen months but I was at Stress Central during that period.
There have been three main areas that I have identified as the major contributory factors to my recovery so far. Remember, I’ll never ‘fully recover’ like a broken leg would, or a cut would heal itself. I’ll just be different.
The first of those factors was the awareness and insight that Headway gave me, including meeting other sufferers who spoke my language and understood what I was trying to tell people. It gave me the tools I needed to deal with my new brain.
The second was brain training and in my case it was using the Peak app on my phone specifically. I am convinced that this app, developed by a small group of great people who I went to meet recently, has sharpened my brain to the point at which I am able to, in fact not just able to, but I actually have gained a new contract. So all of the financial pressures should subside from now on. There seems to be a clear correlation between me beginning to use the app and my success in talking to organisations about new contracts. It’s not only for BI sufferers either so please I really urge you to improve your brain’s capacity by using Peak once every day.
The third factor in my recovery has been being introduced to mindfulness.
With all of this activity happening in the brain it’s easy for the mind to become overwhelmed and start to have some negative thoughts and go into a self-destructive mode. This will never have a good outcome so it’s important to relax not only the body but also the mind.
Why is it that we think it’s important to excercise our bodies by running, going to the gym, lifting weights, spin classes, boxercise, etc. and yet we never exercise our brains?
In the same way we recognise that relaxing after that exercise, when our muscles are aching and we are tired, is an important part of the process towards getting physically fit.
Think of that but for our minds. We use our minds everyday, sometimes we have stressful days, sometimes we go out and stimulate our minds to create that stress because it’s enjoyable, but at no time do we think that we should give the mind some treatment, some TLC. We might listen to some chillout music to help to relax or even fool ourselves into thinking that drinking a glass of wine is helping us to unwind but that’s not actually doing our minds any good at all.
Mental strength.
A few years ago a really good friend of mine exclaimed that I had incredible mental strength (along with a great self-awareness into a complicated relationship at the time) and last week a new friend and fellow BI sufferer made the same observation.
Well I may have had mental strength before, I don’t know, but as I sit here in early September 2015 having been through ‘The Wringer’ over the past two and a half years I have to admit that I’m either the most stubborn and determined person in the world or I have somehow developed the ability to cope with overwhelming amounts of stress. That ability was introduced to me almost a year ago by the Headway OT (remember, he wants to stay anonymous) and is called Mindfulness.
I’m pretty sure that I used to be a person who would poke fun at anything remotely linked to meditation but as I’m not of a closed mind now I saw the benefits in practicing Mindfulness straight away. In fact I felt the benefits straight away too.
It’s letting your mind take a break, letting it relax for a while but the benefit isn’t temporary; it transfers into your regular life and way of thinking. I encourage every reader of this blog to at least listen to the introduction CD by Jon Kabat-Zinn as did I and see if it makes a difference. We relax our muscles after exercise so why not relax our minds? We all have negative thoughts due to the pressures of modern life but Mindfulness will teach you how to recognise those thoughts, acknowledge that the exist, but not act on them. Just let them float away down the stream and we can continue to live life in the present, not dwell on those negative thoughts from the past. It’s a huge subject that I can’t speak with any authority on but please, at least listen to the introduction CD mentioned above and see the benefits.
Well that has brought the story right up to date. I am about to go to Sweden to work which should be an interesting and exiting new chapter, but I can’t help but be a little nervous. I have continued to help Headway whenever I’m asked but I won’t be able to for a while, however I will continue to chat online to those new friends who have gotten in touch after reading this blog. I’m more than happy to offer my support and advice to fellow BI sufferers because now than I’ve been through all of this mess there’s no need for anybody else to repeat the mistakes and suffer. I see it like I’m taking one for the team.
